I basically quit dA around 2010 when depression hit me like a train and I tried to kill myself. Surprise surprise, life is hard. Obviously it's six years later and I'm still alive, so I guess things have been better.
I like to look back through my dA every now and then. I like looking at the things I drew when I thought I could be good at art, or the fanfictions I wrote when I thought I was good at writing. Sure, I cringe as much as the next person, but I still like it. It's a reminder of how creative I used to be. I used to spend so much time channeling my creativity into fan work because that's what made me happy.
Except that's the thing about depression. I wonder how long I've actually been depressed prior to when it escalated in 2010. I wonder this now because I'm at the stage in my life when I'm "looking" for myself, and I've come to the painful realization that I don't know who I am, and I don't recognize who I was. I spent hours upon hours in middle and high school working on the things posted here, but I don't remember ever working on any of it. I don't remember how it feels to be inspired and motivated as the same time to work on something creative.
Lately I've been trying to ask myself, "Who am I? What do I like?" Generally the answer is "I don't know" and I leave it at that.
After five years, I'm about to graduate university in the spring with my bachelor's degree. I'll be the first of my siblings to do so (and for reference, I'm the youngest). I want to go to graduate school and get my master's--I would be the first in my family to get a master's degree--but I have to take a year off by default because I have to prepare to apply (something about taking the GRE standardized test to get into a program that has absolutely nothing to do with standardized testing #america
I keep telling myself I'll write more, or I'll pick up drawing again. Or I'll start painting or something. But I don't. I used to punish myself for not going back to it, but now I'm okay. Sometimes life doesn't work out how you want it to, and that's okay.
I'm okay now. Just nostalgic and sad.